WEBSTER GROVES, MO — An enormous jock was found in the gutter following R.A.F.’s 3-1 victory over Un-united/United FC, Friday. The owner of the mammoth testicle sock is not known at this time.
The off-white, triple XL BIKE chin warmer, featuring 100% cotton comfort support with elastic cushioned waist band, was discovered at approximately 12:30 p.m. by a pair of R.A.F-fers.
“Me and Kenny were making our way up the SoccerDome parking lot and, all of a sudden, we were like, ‘Whoa—what is that in that by the curb?'” defender Mike Vetzernarian, told reporters. “Kenny was like, ‘Holy shit, dude, I think it’s some kind of humongous penis hammock.'”
“The abandoned snow globe satchel was just laying right there in the gutter,” said Kenny Rockman, who noted that he almost stepped on it. “I was like, what the hell?”
Vetzernarian continued on to say that he and Rockman stood staring at the wide-assed walnut wrapper for several minutes before alerting authorities.
“I was pretty shaken up,” Vetzernarian recounted while dabbing his brow. “I mean… it was so friggin’ big! I’ve never seen one that large before.”
“I poked it with a stick,” said Rockman.
Webster Groves police officials said they have few leads in the case.
“Unfortunately, at this point, we have more questions about this enormous yam bag than we have answers,” said Sgt. Gerry Kettler of the Webster Police Department. “Who does this tonsil sack belong to? How did it get in the parking lot? And what sort of man marbles would necessitate the use of a change purse of this magnitude?”
Police are currently extending their investigation and blanketing the area with flyers.
“This whisker biscuit tote has seen better days. It has undergone some serious stress,” said Chief Robert Russell during an emergency early morning press conference. “If you know anything about this case, no matter how insignificant, we urge you to come forward.”
In the meantime, the sweaty pant-potato packet will be safely secured at the Webster Groves precinct until further notice.