ITHACA, NY — Pronounced I-THACK-ka, is bound to have quite a celebration this week. The 1987 Cornell University Women’s Soccer Team is about to mark the occasion this weekend with much merry-making, sudsy-sud-sud consumption and varioius Tom (and perhaps) Dick-foolery.
Notable will be the inclusion of RAF journeyman defender, Kenny Rockman. Hard to believe we know, but Rockman playing an integral part in the championship. It’s true (SEE VID BELOW). He was the team’s pre-game comb-detangler and assistant sock-fluffer.
Well done, Rockman. Well done.
KIRKWOODY, MO — An area man, who would like to remain anonymous, filed a formal complaint with the local police officials Thursday, stating that he had been thoroughly duped.
“This team is complete shite,” said the obviously shook Friday night indoor soccer debutant.
“I was led to believe RAF was a quality squad that featured half-way decent players. That’s simply not the case. Seriously, these guys couldn’t suck the schmutz off a porn queen’s face,” he added graphically.
“They can’t dribble. They can’t pass. They can’t shoot. However, I can confirm that they can jerk one into the stands though. They did that many many times.”
The team which features a brand of indoor footy that was once described as an “airbourne toxic event” approached the new signing with a contract in hand and multiple pitchers of smooth Pilsner ale.
“I don’t recall signing anything,” belched the journey-man defender. “Next thing you know I’m playing ‘magician’s knickers’ with this bunch of spunk-drunks. It’s not what I signed up for.”
On the plus side, RAF did manage to win last week, 5-1.
“Doesn’t count. We only beat Elfs Army,” snorted the nameless one.
Around the facility, Elf’s Army are better known as the Bye-Weaks.”
FARKIN’ FENTON, MO — “Our league is off to a rollicking start,” boasted M.I.S.S.L.E.D. commissioner, Preince Ribus, “Some teams have won. Others have lost. Our new franchise, the Barflys of Las Vegas, sold out. Of gin. Before halftime. Nice!”
The Flint Stoners, Reading Librarians, Manbush and Fungus of Sacramento are smoking at the start; two wins out of two. Week 2 saw Elf’s Army flail about, dropping another one to the Libs. And Evil RAF struggled too, failing to dispatch the pesky Tugnuts.
The Texas Teabags thoroughly dismantled the woeful Maui Wowdies, 2-1.
“What competition? It was like men against tots out there,” gloated T-Bag striker, Antonio San Antonio.
FARKIN’ FENTON PARK, FENTON, MO: With no MLS here in St. Lou, LoftheD front office staff ask Fenton Farkin’ Futball stars from the past, who was their farkin’ hero?
FARKIN’ FENTON, FO — The 56th consecutive season of the Farkin’ Futball flicked off this last Friday. Fans from Feyenoord to Fulham frantically went into a feeding frenzy, fighting over the fittingly famous fütböl file of fixtures.
“I’m so farkin’ fired up I forced myself into a fuchsia fascinator,” refuted fussy Father Frederick Fortnort, of Florence, Florida.
The first week of Farkin’ Futball was not without phenomenal form. Four of the footie festivities featured fulfilling fan-friendly finishes. The flap and foreboding found the faithful looking forward to a fruitful flow of footballing phases in the weeks to follow.
Find all the Facts and Figures forthwith. See Figure F.
Both Flint and the Fungus flabbergasted and foxed their foes with fantastic, almost freakish, phantasmagorical, foot skill.
“For now, frickin’ nothing is going to form,” inferred Effingham franchise-owner, Faramundo Feivel, from his fancy, filthy-rich front office.
“Now if you’ll forgive me, I have fob-off and face-paint my flabby first-assistant, the fetching Miss Fanny Fankle. I use a fork-cue. Ya feel me?”
(ST. LOUIS, MO) — Tomorrow will one of the most important votes since in St. Louis…
well, since the last important vote.
“Prop 2? Why, yes! I support it,” said St. Hooey Manbush mascot, Anheuser Buschwhacker. “This baseball, you speak of? What is that?”
If the Gateway City truly desires “major-MAJOR” league soccer — the real MLS Mccoy, not the current USL store brand — then the ball is firmly in Lou’s possession.
As opportunities go, this one is something of a “sitter”.
Approve the stadium deal and Commish Garber will bring the MLS goods.
Turn it down and area fans might have to permanently adopt Sporting KC or the Chicago Fire as their national team-of-choice.
Does the city of St. Louis have the legs to pass the proposed plan?
It’s a city vote, remember.
Are townies believing the economic claims? Will they want to back a plan that caters to fütbol fanatics?
This is Cardinal Nation, after all.
Fred Bird country.
It’s a true test for a community that likes to brag that it’s “Soccer Town, USA”.
All will be revealed come Tuesday.